Thursday, February 2, 2012

10 Things Left To Live For Now That Heidi And Seal Are Divorcing

Over the past few years, any time a celebrity couple announces that they’re breaking up, we’ve dug deep, deep into our skin-tight jean pockets and pulled out a crumpled, decaying piece of paper. Smoothing it out onto our mahogany writing desks, we brought this tattered shred up to our nostrils, inhaled its scent, and stared at it lovingly: A photo of Heidi Klum and Seal. It didn’t matter whose marriages were splitting up, whose infidelities came to light, whose drug and alcohol habits became too much to bear. As long as these two crazy kids could make it, life would remain as harmonious as the opening chords to “Kiss From A Rose.”

So, to soothe those who, like me, are finding it hard to get out of it bed this morning with a case of the old “ennuis,” I offer you this list of 10 Things Left To Live For Now That Heidi And Seal Are Divorcing.
10. Downton Abbey
I don’t even watch Downton Abbey (I know, I’m taking care of it, relax), and frankly, that’s nearly enough for me to get out of bed tomorrow morning. All I know is: It’s British, it’s classy, and it’s 88 hours long, which is 88 hours I don’t have to think about the fact that love might be dead.

9. Brunch
Who doesn’t love brunch? Hungover, lazy, late breakfast is a gift from God. I mean, look at those lucky people! They don’t give a f*ck. BRUNCH.

8. Knut Uggie, The Artist Dog
This dog is a genius, and an easy agreeable choice for something to live for. Unless you’re Eddie from Frasier, in which case this is your “Brooks Was Here” moment.
7. Penguins Chasing A Butterfly
I mean guys, EARTH IS SO AMAZING! These penguins don’t even know who or what Seal is, except for the deadly predator version that will one day eat them alive. Cute!!

6. William H Macy and Felicity Huffman
My new celebrity marriage rock. Don’t f*ck this one up, guys, I mean it.

5. Black Friday
Nothing like the pain of getting tramped:)

4. Dance Moms
The best show on TV right now? I’d say yes.

3. Fabric Softener
Fabric Softener smells sooooooo deliciousssss. I mean, let me tell you what I don’t like: Hard clothes. You know what takes care of that? Yes. Sometimes I drink a shnit of it before hitting the bars. My breath smells like the breeze.

2. Boxes Of Wine
What I drink after I hit the bars. Boxes of wine are genius: Portable, full of wine. This isn’t because I have a drinking problem, it’s because I have a making love to strangers problem. Speaking of which:

1. Intercourse
What else do we have if not for intercourse, which is completely awesome, whether or not Heidi and Seal are married? It’s the only reason not to get out of bed in the morning AMIRITE?

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