Thursday, November 29, 2012

Nostalgia Check: Tyler Shields Reminds Us Abigail Breslin Is No Longer A Tiny Child. We’re Not Ready!

Tyler Shields Shoots Abigail Breslin
Who let you grow up? We know we’ve been agog at the newly grown-up Abigail Breslin before, but can we say how struck we are by Tyler Shields‘ glam new portraits of the Little Miss Sunshine actress? Somehow Abigail Breslin has been in the lime light during the most awkward years of any human beings life (approximately age 11 to 13) and managed to look adorbs the entire time. 
Abigail Breslin Shot By Tyler Shields

Next on her actorly plate is Final Girl, to be directed by photographer Shields. “I don’t even have the words to describe her; she blew me away on set yesterday,” Tyler explained. “She learned things in 20 minutes it takes people years to learn. [She's] just such a funny, smart, talented girl and to be 16 with such poise and class — it’s a real honor to have her.” ABIGAIL’S ALREADY 16? Why must you always remind us of our own mortality, Abigail Breslin? There’s only one way to calm down when we’re freaking out about the passage of time like this.

Abigail will always be our beauty queen.

Cate Blanchett May Play Cinderella‘s Stepmother, Continue Our Love Affair With Evil Women

Cate Blanchett Rumored For Cinderella

Angelina Jolie in Malificient. Charlie Theron in Snow White And The Huntsman. Kate Beckinsale in the Total Recall remake. Dakota Fanning in Breaking Dawn-Part 2 (okay, maybe that one is for us.) If we had to pick the biggest trend of 2012, it would be nail art. If we had to pick a bunch of trends for 2012, we would definitely put “amazing female villains” in the top ten. With any luck, Cate Blanchett could be joining that homicidal list soon. According to, the Hobbit actress is currently “in talks” to portray the Evil Stepmother in Disney’s live-action reboot of Cinderella. Can we please suggest Paul Giamatti and Steve Buscemi as Cindy’s mouse friends Gus and Jaq? And force them to wear the original mouse-fits? Enjoy the 100 billion dollars we just made you, Disney!

Anyone who saw Cate kill it (literally) as murderous government strongman Marissa Wiegler in Hanna knows Blanchett can go dark. Combine that with her Academy Award for The Aviator and we are looking at one exciting malevolent stepparent! Just go ahead and get Kathy Bates signed on as Ursula and we can keep this love affair going, you guys! If we’re making these reboots, might as well do ‘em right!

19 Signs You’re Doing Better than You Think

19 Signs You’re Doing Better than You Think
Even in uncertain times, it’s always important to keep things in perspective.
  1. You are alive.
  2. You are able to see the sunrise and the sunset.
  3. You are able to hear birds sing and waves crash.
  4. You can walk outside and feel the breeze through your hair and the sun’s warmth on your skin.
  5. You have tasted the sweetness of chocolate cake.
  6. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night.
  7. You awoke this morning with a roof over your head.
  8. You had a choice of what clothes to wear.
  9. You haven’t feared for your life today.
  10. You have overcome some considerable obstacles, and you have learned and survived.
  11. You often worry about what you’re going to do with your life – your career, your family, the next step, etc. – which means you have ambition, passion, drive, and the freedom to make your own decisions.
  12. You live in a country that protects your basic human rights and civil liberties.
  13. You are reasonably strong and healthy – if you got sick today, you could recover.
  14. You have a friend or relative who misses you and looks forward to your next visit.
  15. You have someone with whom to reminisce about ‘the good old days.’
  16. You have access to clean drinking water.
  17. You have access to medical care.
  18. You have access to the Internet.
  19. You can read.
The truth is, you’re doing better than a lot of people in this world.  So remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Co-Hosted By Colin Farrell And A White Horse

I don't know if Colin Farrell is stealing that horse's hairstyle or if the horse is stealing Colin Farrell's hairstyle (SPOILER ALERT: It's the first one). Here's Colin Farrell on the Brooklyn set of his new movie Winter's Tale and based on these pictures and his overall look, he's either playing an Amish boy bander circa 1991 or he's playing a pilgrim hitman who was into New Wave before New Wave was a thing. Whatever the case may be, I still would and he's got so much kitchen grease in his hair that we wouldn't even need to buy lube!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

'80s Covers That'll Perk Up Your Playlist

OK, I may have gotten a bit carried away putting together this playlist, but it's important. It's '80s music, and as we all know, a great '80s song can make you drop everything faster than a fire alarm and sing, sing, sing. So: barring the amazing covers you and your friends do of these songs every weekend, these are the most fantastic. They're slow, fast, indie, rap-infused, happy, sad, bright, sweet and, most of all, familiar.

What's your favorite? I'm partial to the "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" version...

Whoa, I Guarantee You've Never Seen Ryan Gosling Like THIS Before

America's boyfriend Ryan Gosling has reunited with his Drive direction, Nicholas Winding Refn, for a new crime thriller, Only God Forgives. Nicholas tweeted a first look at the movie's poster today, and let's just say it's, um, rather shocking. Look:
Yikes, I do not like seeing my Gosling beaten up and bloody. Nuh-uh.
Sorry for showing you guys that. Here's a lovely pic of Ryan in all his handsomeness to off-set.
Ah. Much better.

Twit on a Kitt

MC Hammer & Psy: Together At Last

One big giant convention happened at the end of the AMAs when K-Pop superstar Psy and the ghost of Justin Bieber's future, MC Hammer, joined forces for a performance that took me slightly higher. Every time I hear that Gangnam Style song, it feels like my last nerve is getting stabbed repeatedly with a sequined knife, but this performance still took me higher for two reasons: 1) MC Hammer's bedazzled bandanna looks like a tiara straight out of the chola prom and; b) the awkward audience reactions to this shit. When you mix together Psy and a little bit of MC Hammer, it makes people bust out their sweetest and hottest neck bobs. I know Psy and Hammer are doing it right, because I screamed "Git it, grandpa" (at the 4:16 mark) at least twice.

The only thing missing from this is a cameo from Los del Río. Then this really would've been a wedding reception's wet dream come true. 

LOL of the Day

The executives from the Disney Channel are once again on the prowl for their next child star. Haha :D

The Photoshop Awards: Madonna's "Truth Or Dare Naked" Ad

This picture doesn't even look real to me. If you told me it was a pencil sketch that Jack Dawson did while visiting a strip club in Mordor, I wouldn't call you a liar. But that said, I bet Madge doesn't look far from this in person. Madge works out about 29 hours a day, she gets her face pulled weekly and every day before she leaves the house, her minions prime, paint and shellac every inch of her skin. I bet that black outline around her body is real too. That black outline of evil is the final sign that Madge is about to sink her teeth into the nutsack of a barely legal boy dancer.

Okay, Which One Of Them Farted?

Judging by the "It's seeping through my scarf, you nasty motherfucker" side-eye that Mila Kunis is throwing at Ashton Kutcher, it was totally him and it totally reeked like 5-day-old enema water and vinegar. Yes, so that's why Demi Moore starts screaming, "WHY DID HE HAVE TO LEAVE ME? WHY????!", halfway through her weekly coochie and culo colonic.
Mila Kunis is in Rome, Italy shooting some movie called Third Person and her latest bad decision Ashton Kutcher is there with her ass. Mila and Ashton have been spending their time in Rome looking miserable, eating, looking miserable, eating, look miserable and eating :P

Elmo Puppeteer Kevin Clash’s Resignation Joins The Weird History Of Kids’ TV Show Scandals

Hearing that Kevin Clash has resigned from Sesame Street following a lawsuit from a second accuser, this one a man in his 30s alleging the Elmo puppeteer had a relationship with him while he was underaged, was bad enough. Then we realized Clash was also the voice of Baby from the sitcom Dinosaurs and Splinter in the TMNT movies. Three things we loved as children…sullied. Of course, Clash’s crisis isn’t the first time a kids’ TV show has become embroiled in a scandal. In fact, it’s not even the first time Sesame Street has!

1) Katy Perry’s Risque Play Clothes
Sesame Street was forced to cut a “Hot n Cold” parody duet between Katy Perry and Elmo in September 2010 after the video was released online and viewers noticed Perry’s bosoms exploding out of her low-cut dress. Okay, it wasn’t that bad, but everyone knows the human breast will strike a toddler blind where he or she stands. Right? We learned that in college.

2) Tinky Winky’s Alternative Lifestyle

Obviously purple Teletubby Tinky Winky must be a homosexual, despite the fact that he’s an cuddly androgynous monster living in an entirely fictional universe. That’s what conservative pundit Jerry Falwell claimed in 1999 at least, pointing to Tinky’s purple fur, triangle head and purse as proof. Oh no! The three things that will turn your toddler gay on sight! We also learned about that in college. Did we mention we went to college in the back of a bowling alley?

3) Pokemon’s Seizure-Inducing Visuals

Pokemon will also turn your kid gay. Just kidding! Pokemon may, however, cause him or her to have seizures. The animated Pokemon episode Dennō Senshi Porygon, or Electric Soldier Porygon, aired in Japan on December 16, 1997. The ep featured flashing blue and red lights as well as stobe lights, the disorienting effects of which allegedly put 685 viewers in the hospital. Oh, but if we’d only known the medical risks of catching them all!

4) The Pee Wee Incident

After delighting kids and adults alike with the innocent weirdness of enthusiastic man-child Pee Wee Herman on Pee-Wee’s Playhouse since 1986, actor Paul Reubens was arrested for masturbating publicly in a porno theater in 1991. The granddaddy of all kids’ TV show scandals essentially ended Reubens run as Pee Wee, and, unsuprisingly, does not get any less upsetting to type twenty years after the fact.

5) Bob The Builder’s Potty Mouth

The animators behind Bob The Builder had to remaster and rerelease the Bob The Builder Christmas special back in 1999 after parents complained that it sounded as if the tiny construction worker mumbled, “f—ing hell” under his breath, despite the obvious fact that there is no way they would have Bob actually say that. The words Bob actually said? “I don’t know. I thought this was going to be easy.” Didn’t we all, Bob. Didn’t we all.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The 10 Best LOL-Worthy Twilight Funnies

While you were all off buying your Team Jacob T-shirts and getting last-minute supplies for your watch-all-the-films-in-a-row movie marathon, I've been gathering some of my favorite Twilight parodies and funnies. Share these with your friends while you wait in line, and enjoy!
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