Monday, January 16, 2012

Let’s Read Way Too Far Into These 3 New Dark Knight Rises Stills!

Entertainment Weekly just released a couple new EXCLUSIVE Dark Knight Rises stills
Our usual reaction to new Batman photos, trailers, or new viral promotional things ( is to look at them, say “cool,” and continue waiting SIX MORE MONTHS for the actual movie to come out, but today, let’s take the sunnier approach of most other websites and treat these three new Dark Knight stills with INCREDIBLE AWE and importance, as though anything could possibly come out between now and July that would make me want to see this film any more or less. Let’s excitedly read into some new photos!!!

1. Bane
Bane’s arms are crossed and he’s looking downwards! This can only mean one thing: There’s a scene in Dark Knight Rises where Bane goes on a speedslide. OH MAN, maybe he blows up a water park? How do you blow up a water park if there’s water everywhere, wouldn’t that put the fires out immediately? WAIT NO, what if Bane brings Napoleon back from the past and takes over Waterloo, the water park from Bill & Ted’s, by using Napoleon as an inside man? Then Bane gets an A+ on his history report and Batman can’t do NUTHIN ABOUT IT. Then he flees Gotham in shame.
I can’t WAIT to see this new Batman now!

2. Batman
Here’s Batman holding what I can only assume is an external hard drive. Is it a BAT external hard drive? This is not clear. But what we DO know for sure is that Batman does a lot of video editing in this next installment. BUT WHOSE VIDEO DOES HE EDIT? His own stuff? Does he pick up some freelance graphics work in the down time after taking the fall for Harvey Dent and fleeing Gotham? Maybe he’s just giving his music collection to Gordon? WHAT MUSIC DOES BATMAN LISTEN TO??? Probably not the Prince “Batman” soundtrack from 1989. He’s probably so sick of girls putting those songs on mixes for him. Maybe in the final scene, Catwoman makes a mix for him that has “Batdance” on it and he’s like “NNOOOOOO” and disintegrates that’s how the series ends?
How about a SPOILER ALERT before showing us the most important still in the entire movie, Entertainment Weekly??

3. Bane Again
Here’s Bane again, now facing away from the camera after going on that speedslide / blowing up that water park. He does not have a shirt on, which indicates that it is probably summer in Gotham. Tom Hardy’s back is super dooper muscular, which also probably indicates that I secretly want to have sex with him. Whoa, that was a twist! Christopher Nolan really does always keep you guessing. 
So there you have it. We’ve now basically just watched the entire movie. Who even NEEDS to wait six more months for it to come out? (Was that convincing? It’s not working on myself.)

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