Woman Turns Down $1 Million Offer To Do Porn

Hazel Jones, a U.K. woman diagnosed with ‘uterus didelphys’ – a condition where she has two wombs and two cervixes – has turned down a $1 million offer from Vivid Entertainment to star in her own porn movie. Or to put it another way, the only remaining porn movie that hasn’t already been made 7 trillion times will continue to not be made, at least for a little while.

According to Ms. Jones, don’t print up those Double Indemnity porn parody posters just yet:

According to This Morning, she said: ‘I have never received any offers of this kind of work nor would I never consider doing it in a million years.
‘I just want to be left alone.’

Hear hear! A very admirable stance, especially because now we won’t have to come across a link to that porn and spend forty-five minutes pre-justifying to ourselves why we have to click on it, then we watch it and realize nothing affects us anymore and the internet has hollowed us out indefinitely and there’s no reason to go on living then we watch a Parks & Rec and go back to normal.

The best part of the article, though, is this comment from CEO of Vivid Entertainment Steven Hirsch:
Via TMZ:

Hirsch also promised to cover travel and accommodation expenses, as the film would be shot in Los Angeles.
Hirsch wrote: ‘We would fly you out to L.A. as soon as you are available and provide you with first class accommodations’

That changes everything! Jones wasn’t nervous because her specific medical condition would be sexually exploited and splattered all over the internet, she was nervous because she didn’t want to pay her own travel expenses. Now that they’re covered, FILM AWAY!

“What should we start with? The Mirror Has Two Vaginas?”

If You Don’t Like This Video Of Serena Williams Dancing, You’re A Hater, And You’re Just Unattractive Inside

Here’s is a video of recently fined U.S. Open runner-up Serena Williams dropping it like it’s hot to some Trey Songz’s “Bottoms Up.” 

Dropping what, you say? You know, it. A nice pile of steaming dance. Why this video exists? That’s a question that I don’t have an answer for.

Check out this much pornier Serena booty-shake video that looks a lot more like her in the face and ass.

FINE HER AGAIN. FINE HER AGAIN. WHATEVER MAKES THESE VIDEOS STOP.

Kim K's Honeymoon Video vs. Hippos Mating In The Water

Above is Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries'completely natural and not at all staged honeymoon video that doesn't look like a low-budget foreign soft core porn from the early 80s that your parents had on BETA. 

And below is a video of hippos mating in the river.

Do I even need to ask for a show of hands from people who would rather watch the second one at 4am on HBO when you've got a head full of the drunks and a lap full of cold nachos? There's really no need. Don't worry, I'm calling HBO on behalf of all of us.