This Slushy Magic Commercial is currently airing on television. It is, by our estimation, the most perfect encapsulation of ‘what an As Seen On TV commercial is’ that humanity has ever seen. To prove this hypothesis and to aid future aspiring ridiculous-product shillers,and now.. I present this list of 9 Required Elements Of Any Great As Seen On TV Commercial, with evidence provided by the aforementioned Slushy Magic ad (taking the blue credit card screen as a given). Enjoy and be infomerted:
1. The ‘Tired Of THIS HAPPENING?’ Shot
Q: Why do we need this new product? A: Because it is literally impossible to use our current products without causing a minor apocalypse:
ARRGGGHHHHH there’s just NO OTHER WAY to blend things! Especially without some sort of magic “blender toppe.” But worry no longer!!!
2. People Crushingly Depressed By The Current State Of Things
You’re feeding your kids REGULAR LIQUID JUICE? Just save yourself the $2.99 and kick them in their juicewanting faces:
3. Mention Science
Preferably either a “patented technology” or a scientific breakthrough or just something to convey the true notion that this product was the result of 30 rogue scientists with black glasses toiling on an underground popsicle Manhattan Project then ultimately declaring “Dear God, what fun power hath we unleashed??”
4. Mention Magic
‘Cause even science needs an assist every now and again.
5. Dancing Kids
Every second where someone isn’t AGGRESSIVELY F***ING BLISSFUL with your product is a waste of film and life. Filmmaking 101.
6. Made-Up Expressions
Toss in some hip slang to win over all those skateboards!
7. Super Necessary Accessories
What good is a magic popsicle maker without a popsicle recipe book? Negative a million good, is the answer.
8. Way Too Happy Family
Never mind that no family has ever been this mutually happy; your plastic food thing must be the mathematical inverse of the film Ordinary People.
9. Double The Offer
Guess this commercial’s overOHMYYYYGODDDDDD THERE’S DOUBLE WHAT THEY SAIDDDDNWDnlwkfnwlkgnwelkgnwlgnk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doubling the offer is the infomercial equivalent to a band playing an encore: Everyone knows it’s coming and expects it, but we all have to lightly pretend that it’s a surprise. The only difference is that bands don’t completely double their already-useless set.
AND THAT IS WHY INFOMERCIALS ARE BETTER THAN MUSIC BANDS! What was this post supposed to be about? I forgot like 7 reasons ago.
Here’s the blender .GIF again:
No comments:
Post a Comment