“Ohhh Santa!”

The month of December is a nonstop battle between Kay Jewelers ads and Lexus ads to produce the most insufferably happy couples on television, like some sort of escalating, never-ending arms race between calculated but unrealistic ‘real people’ whose fake existence causes genuine laughter.

 

Here’s the latest bizarre twist in this saga, a Kay Jewelers ad in which a couple’s child dresses up as Santa to deliver some Christmas jewelery to his mom on his dad’s behalf. 

It starts out like every faux-adorable Holiday commercial, but the mom’s reaction is SO WEIRD:

Whhaaaat? “OHHH SANTA…” You do realize Santa is your son, right? You’re allowed to enjoy the gift, but it might not be entirely appropriate to call out Santa’s name during your gift-orgasm.

Let’s see what the Youtube commenters think:

Ohhhhh commmenters….

The Banned Anthony Bourdain Christmas Special Is Here, Children!

Every Christmas, in countries around the world, small children wait eagerly in the hopes that on Christmas morning, their tree will be the crown on top of dozens of presents, all wrapped up and tagged with their names, just waiting to be torn open, played with for the day, and then forgotten about. But these children are warned: Act naughty, and you won’t be getting presents. Instead, your gift will be a visit from the famous Christmas monster so terrifying, so blood-curdling, that you’ll never behave badly again. And this monster’s name is Anthony Bourdain.
 

Well… close. It’s actually called a “Krampus” (also a brilliant Midol marketing campaign idea…), a mythical creature children raised in Alpine countries are told to believe in, who is part devil and part kidnapper. Yes, the Krampus kidnaps children who behave badly before Christmas, and drags them off to his lair to do God knows what with them. (Honestly, I don’t understand how Swedish children make it past adolescence, this thing is f**king terrifying.)

And leave it to my favorite lung-rotted chef Anthony Bourdain to find a way to incorporate the Krampus into their No Reservations Christmas Special, in a segment called “A Krampus Carol” (aww). Turns out, Travel Channel executives thought the segment was “2Hot4TV.xxx“, and pulled it from the final edit. 

This is a great video to show to your own children in order to deduce if they’re p*ssies or not. For the record: It scared me.