Wednesday, June 26, 2013

50 Special Skills And Talents Omitted From My Resumé

  1. Hardly sounds like she's a Squammy at all.
  2. Willing to be big spoon or little spoon.
  3. Has a terrific family recipe for brownies.
  4. Used to be able to do “the worm” kind of.
  5. Very reliable for giving rides to/ from the airport.
  6. Knows every word to Jay-Z’s “I Just Wanna Love You.”
  7. Can consistently make babies laugh.
  8. Demonstrates inordinate politeness in nearly every situation.
  9. Sleeps well on airplanes.
  10. Will split a pizza with almost any topping.
  11. Does reasonably accurate impressions of rappers Slick Rick, The Notorious B.I.G., and DMX.
  12. Not afraid of bugs.
  13. Is fine with movies with subtitles.
  14. Expertly quotes and recognizes dialogue from early seasons of The Simpsons.
  15. Can be around cute boys without staring creepily at them.
  16. Proficient in air guitar, air bass, and air drums.
  17. Able to lift slightly more than you’d think.
  18. Gives sincere apologies.
  19. Owns a Nintendo Power Glove.
  20. Not too shabby at spelling.
  21. Will not make a scene when your grandmother says something mildly anti-Semitic.
  22. Gives thoughtful and creative birthday presents.
  23. Adept at talking self and others out of fights.
  24. Takes the morning shift driving on road trips.
  25. Admits she is wrong, sometimes when she is not even wrong.
  26. Is not racist.
  27. Talks about sports with enthusiasm and accuracy.
  28. Sits back seat middle if necessary.
  29. Participates in karaoke but does not force others to go out to karaoke.
  30. Dances when she has to.
  31. Does not freak out if you haven’t seen her favorite movie (Titanic).
  32. Will loan you books without freaking out if you have them for a while.
  33. Can read (but cannot understand) Hebrew.
  34. Is totally laid back if you spell her name wrong.
  35. Gives compliments when compliments are due.
  36. Able to stop chewing ice or whistling on request.
  37. Just picks the tomatoes off of a sandwich instead of requesting a whole new sandwich.
  38. Drives at a safe rate of speed in rain.
  39. Knows who Michel Foucault is.
  40. Doesn’t get weirded out by the word “moist.”
  41. Comfortable in the outdoors for up to eight hours.
  42. Can prove she is a real girl by drinking whiskey.
  43. Gives hugs with appropriate pressure and for the right length of time.
  44. Showers regularly.
  45. Is comfortable with jokes about her weight.
  46. Will pet your cat even though she does not like your cat.
  47. Exhibits eagerness to visit any non-Holocaust museum.
  48. Burps minimally.
  49. Listens attentively to boring stories.
  50. Always up for dessert. 

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