Things That Always Happen in Holiday Movies and Never Happen in Real Life

Don't mistake me: I am not bah-humbugging holiday movies. My life wouldn't be complete without them. But I think we all know that in exchange for our fix of tiny lights and romance, we give up a fair dose of reality. So as you journey to your holiday destination, remember: none of the below will be happening.

 

 
First things first: no one ever gets gift certificates.. (Hoho Sodexo!)
New significant others never seem to have their own family to go home to. They're all about staying at their boyfriend of-two-weeks for two weeks.

People take their New Year's resolutions way too seriously, and, more importantly, relative strangers care about them. In real life, Zac Efron woulda been less "Hey, I'll work it out with a Broadway theater so you can fly!" and more "Umm... do you want me to call someone? Can you just sign, please?"

 

 

You know how in non-seasonal movies, people are always saying "Hey, so-and-so? ... Thank you"? Well, in holiday movies, they sub in a teary, slow, emotionally-weighted "Hey, so-and-so?  
Merry Christmas."
 
Just a quick aside: you realize that if anyone other than Jude Law broke into the isolated hut you were staying alone in, that's a horror movie, right?
People getting places just in time to kiss someone/save someone from entering the wrong relationship/keep a date that whimsically shuns the use of modern confirmation technologies need to just stop. The last time anyone got anywhere on time during the holidays was at the turn of the twentieth century. Try scheduling your love-quests for a less hectic holiday. Arbor Day, perhaps.

 
Everyone wears cute hats but NOBODY EVER HAS HAT HAIR.
Though said hats seem to always be in play, no one's ever actually bundled to a realistic point. Cute always trumps cold. No one falls in love in a North Face.
 
But the slight inaccuracies of the outerwear are nothing compared to indoor outfits. It's slim-fitting cords, silky blouses and sexy sweaters as far as the eye can see. I don't know about you, but when I'm home for the holidays, it's 1999 Powder Puff team championship sweatpants 
and nothing else from minute ONE.
 
Colin Firth never shows up to save the day. Every year I wait. Every year he fails to show. It's frankly starting to get a little annoying.

16 Ways Disney Movies Would Be Different if More Moms Were in Them

Cinderella
Cinderella wouldn't have had any mice pals, because her mom would've nipped that in the bud with a couple of glue traps and no nonsense whatsoever.
She and her mom would probably have fabulous shoe-shopping trips.

Then her biggest post-midnight dilemma wouldn't have been her carriage turning back into a pumpkin but that she had to tell her mom she just lost one of those new shoes. (Good luck convincing her you weren't drinking, Cindy.)
Snow White

Snow White's mom would have gently suggested she reach out to some friends "her own age."
Aladdin
Jasmine's mom would have insisted she get a haircut. "At least get the ends trimmed."
"SEATBELTS ON THE MAGIC CARPET, PLEASE! SEATBELTS!"

"The next time I see that boy, he better be coming through the front door. Or you're going to be in a whole new world, all right. A whole new world of pain!"
Pocahontas
Pocahontas would have had someone to get her dad off her back about John Smith. "Let them go, Chief, he seems like a nice boy."

She also would have definitely replaced this with a longer skirt while Pocahontas was sleeping.
Beauty and the Beast
Belle would so not have been allowed to sleep at a beast's creepy mansion. "11 P.M., on the dot, and don't think I won't be up."
Maurice wouldn't have been captured in the first place because Belle's mom would be all, "What have you been doing down in that basement for hours? Inventing? Yes, I saw you invent yourself a plate of nachos a little while ago. Shut off that football game and get up here. There are dishes to do."

"I don't care if you can brush his arms; he extended an invitation to you. And you run off to your room crying like an ingrate? You were raised better than that!" "Did you have fun playing with Chip? Maybe got you thinking about having one of your own? I'm not getting any younger, you know."

The Little Mermaid
Ariel would have had to pick up her room. "Put all these thingamabobs away. And if I see that dinglehopper on the floor again I'm going to take it from you."
"Your father's right--chasing that boy up to the surface does put you in danger. In danger of getting a reputation."

"You swim right back inside and put on a shirt. Shells are not a shirt." Which Disney princesses would you want--or definitely NOT want--as your kid?

This would be terrible..

The Waving Beaver of the Oregon Zoo!

Take this beaver's lead and start waving. Everyone loves a friendly beaver! :)

Hosted By Jay-Z's Sister

As far as I know, the last time Jay-Z took the subway, he did it as a publicity stunt and that was over two long months ago. Jay-Z forgot something very important down there: his beloved sister! Jay-Z's sister has been waiting for him down in the subway and she finally got tired of waiting and came back up to the surface. Luckily for Jay-Z's sister, local news reporter Checkey Beckford was there for her when she got out of the subway. Checkey Beckford will take care of Jay-Z's sister since he obviously doesn't care about her and left her in the subway. Jay-Z's sister should be the famous multi-millionaire who's married to a Knowles, not him.

Amanda Seyfried Rapping Dressed As A Frog On Ellen Is The Best Thing Ever

If this isn’t proof that Amanda Seyfried could potentially be the coolest BFF ever, we don’t know what is. Not only can Ms. Amanda wear the hell out of a gown — McQueen, no less — but she looks like the sort of gal who could kick back a couple of tequilas and karaoke the hell out of a microphone. What’s not to love? Oh yeah, this. She may be one of the most gorgeous faces on screen at the moment, but she isn’t afraid to poke fun of herself. For example, she thinks nothing of throwing on a frog mask on national television. How do we know all of this? Not because we’re hanging with Amanda, sadly, but because that’s exactly what she did on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Minus the tequila. Or with tequila in her system, who knows. Ellen found out that the whole Les Miserables cast had gone out for a spot of karaoke while they were in Tokyo, Japan on promotional duties. Amanda admitted that she had done her bit on the mic after a couple of rounds of sake, dressed as a frog, natch. And Ellen isn’t anything if not well-prepared, so out came a frogs head costume and some sake. Sake, tequila: booze equals booze. This bascially turned into Amanda rapping California Love by Tupac, dressed in said frogs head. The clip’s above, for your viewing pleasure. It’s the best thing E.V.E.R.

Hosted By Ladies Falling In The Subway

The UK Network Rail Service released three clips of ladies falling on their asses (and other body parts) in the subway and it's supposed to be a PSA for the dangers of walking in the subway or whatever, but it's really just a video for us to laugh at. Yes, I laughed at everyone breaking their asses, but I did learn three very important tips:

1. Lying down on the escalator is so much better than standing up on the escalator. I stand an average of 12 minutes per day and I can get that average down by lying on the escalator every time I take one. Standing up is hard and lying down is fun. Besides, when I get to the end, a hot piece might help me up.
2. Running is dangerous. Just don't run, ever. If you think standing up sucks, running is even worse. That woman fell while running. Just lie down as much as you can. You can't fall down while lying down. 
3. If you're going to drunkenly work a subway platform pole in heels, make sure you're wearing a cute outfit while doing so, because you will fall and on the footage will end up on the Internet and thousands of people will laugh at your ass. So you might as well look hot while they're laughing at your ass.

See, that mess of a PSA isn't only funny, it's educational too.

Man of Steel Trailer

We’ve lived with the Dark Knight series so long, we frankly couldn’t imagine a superhero who wasn’t a little emo. Even The Avengers featured Mark Ruffalo‘s moody, broody Hulk. Luckily, as director Zack Snyder’s Tree of Life-looking teaser trailer suggested and the film’s new trailer confirms, Man of Steel‘s Superman is all about the feels. Even the film’s IMDB description seems intent on resetting our expectations of Superman: “An alien infant is raised on Earth, and grows up with superhuman abilities. He sets out to use these abilities to guard his adopted world.” Uh, you mean the story of Superman? Which everyone in the world knows by heart? Fair enough. While most superheroes tend to be somewhat emotional (does everyone’s parents have to be dead?), Man of Steel seems to score highest on the Brooding Superhero Trope scorecard:

1. A scraggly, waggly beard. The fact Clark Kent, the most clean-cut of all superhero alter egos, now has a luxurious face pelt suggests some moderate-to-heavy brooding. It’s all very Bruce Wayne at the beginning of The Dark Knight Rises.
2. Paralyzing self-doubt. “The world is too big, Mom,” Clark frets. Guess that explains the need for a Fortress of Solitude. Also, the trailer opens with baby Superman asking his mom for help. Can it get more emo than that? Somehow, yes!
3. Powerless father figure. Did Kevin Costner just tell little Clark that he should have let a bus full of school children drown? What kind of bunkum is this? No wonder that poor alien is so mopey.
4. It’s an origin story. Gotta have an origin story, baby! There hasn’t been a brooding superhero yet that didn’t get a film dedicated to his origin story.
5. Ruminations on the meaning of a man’s life. “You just have to decide what kind of man you want to grow up to be, Clark. Whoever that man is, he’s going to change the world.” Oh sorry, are we not supposed tear up over a Man of Steel trailer? They wouldn’t have made it so poignant if they didn’t want us to cry! See you at the theaters on June 14!

12 Other Moments of Drew Barrymore’s Life That Were Probably “Cooler” Than Her Baby, Olive

Really Drew? The COOLEST moment of your life? Maybe the most incredible moment, the most inspiring, the most magical, the most life-changing…But the coolest? I’m not saying it can’t be cool to have a baby, but you, Drew Barrymore, have had a pretty cool life. Here’s where I tell you about how cool your life is:

1.  As an 11 year old, Drew Barrymore was an “regular” at Studio 54. She smoked cigarettes AT 9, drank alcohol AT 11, smoked marijuana AT 12 and snorted cocaine at 13 YEARS OLD. Sure, that’s pretty messed up, but also pretty cool.
2. In 1990 Drew wrote an autobiography called Little Girl Lost. Even though it was about her troubled youth, it was still a book! She wrote a book. Cool!
3. The next year, Drew filed for emancipation from her parents so she could be cool basically all the time. And then she flashed David Letterman her boobs, all while standing on his Late Show desk.
4. In 1999 Drew MARRIES Tom Green and in 2001 their beloved dog Flossie saves them from a house fire. That’s insanely cool.
5. Unfortunately Tom and Drew split, but Drew started dating The Strokes’ Fabrizio Moretti. At that time he was probably the coolest dude ever.
6. She was killed off in the first 10 minutes of the ORIGINAL Scream. Epitome of cool.
7. She kicked ass in all of the Charlie’s Angels movies. She also executive produced all of them. The coolest.
8. That thing with Fab didn’t work out. No worries, Drew dated JUSTIN LONG next. Yep, that Justin Long. So cool.
9. Drew managed to make Grey Gardens cool. Have you seen the original Grey Gardens? It’s in black and white. (Actually, it wasn’t in black and white but it might as well have been.)
10. She directed a Best Coast music video that was an indie West Side Story and starred cool kids Donald Glover and Alia Shawkat.
11. Oh, did I forget to mention that Drew is the godmother of Francis Bean Cobain? Yeah. Cool royalty.
12. She co-starred in a documentary in which a guy attempted to go on a date with her. Guess what? He succeeded. She’s pretty cool.

…
100. She had a really adorable baby named Olive. Congratulations! For real.

And the "Commercial of the year" goes to..

Nostalgia Check: Tyler Shields Reminds Us Abigail Breslin Is No Longer A Tiny Child. We’re Not Ready!

Who let you grow up? We know we’ve been agog at the newly grown-up Abigail Breslin before, but can we say how struck we are by Tyler Shields‘ glam new portraits of the Little Miss Sunshine actress? Somehow Abigail Breslin has been in the lime light during the most awkward years of any human beings life (approximately age 11 to 13) and managed to look adorbs the entire time. 

Next on her actorly plate is Final Girl, to be directed by photographer Shields. “I don’t even have the words to describe her; she blew me away on set yesterday,” Tyler explained. “She learned things in 20 minutes it takes people years to learn. [She's] just such a funny, smart, talented girl and to be 16 with such poise and class — it’s a real honor to have her.” ABIGAIL’S ALREADY 16? Why must you always remind us of our own mortality, Abigail Breslin? There’s only one way to calm down when we’re freaking out about the passage of time like this.

Abigail will always be our beauty queen.

Cate Blanchett May Play Cinderella‘s Stepmother, Continue Our Love Affair With Evil Women

Angelina Jolie in Malificient. Charlie Theron in Snow White And The Huntsman. Kate Beckinsale in the Total Recall remake. Dakota Fanning in Breaking Dawn-Part 2 (okay, maybe that one is for us.) If we had to pick the biggest trend of 2012, it would be nail art. If we had to pick a bunch of trends for 2012, we would definitely put “amazing female villains” in the top ten. With any luck, Cate Blanchett could be joining that homicidal list soon. According to TheWrap.com, the Hobbit actress is currently “in talks” to portray the Evil Stepmother in Disney’s live-action reboot of Cinderella. Can we please suggest Paul Giamatti and Steve Buscemi as Cindy’s mouse friends Gus and Jaq? And force them to wear the original mouse-fits? Enjoy the 100 billion dollars we just made you, Disney!

Anyone who saw Cate kill it (literally) as murderous government strongman Marissa Wiegler in Hanna knows Blanchett can go dark. Combine that with her Academy Award for The Aviator and we are looking at one exciting malevolent stepparent! Just go ahead and get Kathy Bates signed on as Ursula and we can keep this love affair going, you guys! If we’re making these reboots, might as well do ‘em right!

19 Signs You’re Doing Better than You Think

Even in uncertain times, it’s always important to keep things in perspective.

1. You are alive.
2. You are able to see the sunrise and the sunset.
3. You are able to hear birds sing and waves crash.
4. You can walk outside and feel the breeze through your hair and the sun’s warmth on your skin.
5. You have tasted the sweetness of chocolate cake.
6. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night.
7. You awoke this morning with a roof over your head.
8. You had a choice of what clothes to wear.
9. You haven’t feared for your life today.
10. You have overcome some considerable obstacles, and you have learned and survived.
11. You often worry about what you’re going to do with your life – your career, your family, the next step, etc. – which means you have ambition, passion, drive, and the freedom to make your own decisions.
12. You live in a country that protects your basic human rights and civil liberties.
13. You are reasonably strong and healthy – if you got sick today, you could recover.
14. You have a friend or relative who misses you and looks forward to your next visit.
15. You have someone with whom to reminisce about ‘the good old days.’
16. You have access to clean drinking water.
17. You have access to medical care.
18. You have access to the Internet.
19. You can read.

The truth is, you’re doing better than a lot of people in this world.  So remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.

Co-Hosted By Colin Farrell And A White Horse

I don't know if Colin Farrell is stealing that horse's hairstyle or if the horse is stealing Colin Farrell's hairstyle (SPOILER ALERT: It's the first one). Here's Colin Farrell on the Brooklyn set of his new movie Winter's Tale and based on these pictures and his overall look, he's either playing an Amish boy bander circa 1991 or he's playing a pilgrim hitman who was into New Wave before New Wave was a thing. Whatever the case may be, I still would and he's got so much kitchen grease in his hair that we wouldn't even need to buy lube!

'80s Covers That'll Perk Up Your Playlist

OK, I may have gotten a bit carried away putting together this playlist, but it's important. It's '80s music, and as we all know, a great '80s song can make you drop everything faster than a fire alarm and sing, sing, sing. So: barring the amazing covers you and your friends do of these songs every weekend, these are the most fantastic. They're slow, fast, indie, rap-infused, happy, sad, bright, sweet and, most of all, familiar.

What's your favorite? I'm partial to the "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" version...

Whoa, I Guarantee You've Never Seen Ryan Gosling Like THIS Before

America's boyfriend Ryan Gosling has reunited with his Drive direction, Nicholas Winding Refn, for a new crime thriller, Only God Forgives. Nicholas tweeted a first look at the movie's poster today, and let's just say it's, um, rather shocking. Look:

Nicolas Winding Refn@NicWindingRefn

Cheers! pic.twitter.com/lgJUMI1S

20 Nov 12

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Yikes, I do not like seeing my Gosling beaten up and bloody. Nuh-uh.

Sorry for showing you guys that. Here's a lovely pic of Ryan in all his handsomeness to off-set.

Ah. Much better.