Things That Always Happen in Holiday Movies and Never Happen in Real Life

Don't mistake me: I am not bah-humbugging holiday movies. My life wouldn't be complete without them. But I think we all know that in exchange for our fix of tiny lights and romance, we give up a fair dose of reality. So as you journey to your holiday destination, remember: none of the below will be happening.

 

 
First things first: no one ever gets gift certificates.. (Hoho Sodexo!)
New significant others never seem to have their own family to go home to. They're all about staying at their boyfriend of-two-weeks for two weeks.

People take their New Year's resolutions way too seriously, and, more importantly, relative strangers care about them. In real life, Zac Efron woulda been less "Hey, I'll work it out with a Broadway theater so you can fly!" and more "Umm... do you want me to call someone? Can you just sign, please?"

 

 

You know how in non-seasonal movies, people are always saying "Hey, so-and-so? ... Thank you"? Well, in holiday movies, they sub in a teary, slow, emotionally-weighted "Hey, so-and-so?  
Merry Christmas."
 
Just a quick aside: you realize that if anyone other than Jude Law broke into the isolated hut you were staying alone in, that's a horror movie, right?
People getting places just in time to kiss someone/save someone from entering the wrong relationship/keep a date that whimsically shuns the use of modern confirmation technologies need to just stop. The last time anyone got anywhere on time during the holidays was at the turn of the twentieth century. Try scheduling your love-quests for a less hectic holiday. Arbor Day, perhaps.

 
Everyone wears cute hats but NOBODY EVER HAS HAT HAIR.
Though said hats seem to always be in play, no one's ever actually bundled to a realistic point. Cute always trumps cold. No one falls in love in a North Face.
 
But the slight inaccuracies of the outerwear are nothing compared to indoor outfits. It's slim-fitting cords, silky blouses and sexy sweaters as far as the eye can see. I don't know about you, but when I'm home for the holidays, it's 1999 Powder Puff team championship sweatpants 
and nothing else from minute ONE.
 
Colin Firth never shows up to save the day. Every year I wait. Every year he fails to show. It's frankly starting to get a little annoying.