Movie Titles No One Has Ever Actually Said

Sure, the lengthy titles sometimes help to distinguish between installments in a franchise, or slightly aid Google searchers, but there’s still something elementally strange about tens of millions of people going to see a movie without ever actually saying (or knowing) the official title of the film.

Below, a list of Movie Titles No One Has Ever Actually Said (Colon: Curse Of The Last Returning Title Sayer (Part 2) Movie):

1. X-Men Origins: Wolverine

“We better add ‘X-Men Origins’ before ‘Wolverine’ so when we make 30 more films in the ‘Origins’ franchise, people know this was part of them from DAY ONE.” [1 Year Passes] “Jaykay!!! Reboot the whole thing.”

2. Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

“How about just, Indiana Jones And The Crystal Skull?” “Ehhh, technically Indiana Jones isn’t really on ‘and’ terms with the skull, just the kingdom in which said skull is located. Our titles have to be PERFECTLY ACCURATE, especially since this movie’s existence literally nullifies the title of the previous movie.”

3. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Granted, calling it “Fantastic 4 2″ might’ve been a little confusing (how many Fantastics are there?? Did two of them stop being fantastic? Or did they graduate to “Amazing”?), but again, this is both an inaccurate title (the Silver Surfer stops being evil like 30 minutes into the movie) and an inconvenient one; most people likely referred to it as “The second Fantastic 4,” as in the sentence, “I’m not sure The second Fantastic 4 counts as a movie.”

4. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

“One for Prince Of Persia, please.” “You mean the computer game? You would like ‘one for it?’ What does that mean and why are you saying it to me, a movie theater ticket seller?” “No no, Prince of Persia: The Sands Of Time, you know, the motion picture about the timesand.” “OHHHH, yeah, I can do that. It has been a CONFUSING WEEKEND, lemmie tell you.”

5. Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen

I criticized this title until I actually saw the movie and realized that there was literally a character named “The Fallen” and he was literally out for revenge, thus making the title and everything else about this film perfect. Especially the part where the little robot humps Megan Fox’s leg. They show that in screenwriting grad classes now, right?

6. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

7. The X Files: I Want to Believe

Hard to truly judge the salience of either of these titles, as no one’s ever purchased a ticket to either, though I did actually watch the latter a couple months ago and guess what? It’s bad! I think I only referred to it as “Ballistic” in the sentence “Whoa, Ballistic is on Watch Instant, that movie got a literal 0% on Rottentomatoes.”

8. To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar

Always shortened to the much more manageable “To Wong Foo” anytime someone’s like “Remember that cross-dressing movie with Patrick Swayze,” which is approximately 6-7 times per day where I work.

9. The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe

This title at least makes sense and is somewhat defensible, as it’s a title of a book in a series and there were clearly going to be future Chronicles of Narnia movies, but on the other hand, it is LONG AS SH*T. And you’ve seen sh*t. That sh*t’s pretty damn long.

10. The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie

They could’ve just called it “VeggieTales,” or “A VeggieTales Movie,” or if they really wanted to entertain some kids on the internet, just “Pirates.”

11. Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult

This also falls into the “intentionally jokey” category, but I’m amused that the title-makers didn’t think numbering a movie “33 1/3″ was wacky enough on its own to sufficiently wacky-ize the movie.

12. Legends Of The Guardians: The Owls Of Ga’Hoole

There is just no way any parent buying tickets for their children referred to this movie as anything other than “The Owl Movie,” up to and including Zack Snyder.

13. Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life

This is not a title, it’s three separate phrases. It could’ve at least had the dignity to make movie history as the first film title with two colons.

14. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

15. Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters

Both of these are obviously self-aware, intentionally long parody titles, with the latter clearly reacting to the rest of the movies on this list. Nonetheless, doubt anyone’s ever said either title out loud, even if the jokes were very “NIYCEEE!” (Don’t you all miss that? Never got tired of co-workers saying it.)

16. E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial

17. A.I. Artificial Intelligence

Abbrev.: Abbreviation. Who came up with these titles, the Low G Man?

18. Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World

This movie was adapted from several different adventure books in a series, but rather than take the name of one of those books, they jammed two together with a colon, thus appeasing the one nautical-literature nerd who would’ve whipped his sextant at the IMDB screen if they’d simply named it after one or the other.

19. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse Of The Black Pearl

This titling job from Bruckheimer and Co. did correctly identify that Pirates would spawn a franchise — unlike X-Men Origins or Prince Of Persia (at the moment) — but it also takes longer to say in full than most kids have attention spans, making the decision to sub-title this film before any other Pirates movies came out seem, in the words of Jack Sparrow, “Unnecessary I’m Jack Sparrow.”

20. Live Free Or Die Hard

“Two for Die Hard please.” “Which installment? The new one or the most recent one from 12 years ago?” “DUHHHH. Number TWO.”

21. Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

“Two tickets to Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian, please.” – What So Many Moms Said

22. Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy

23. Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby

24. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

Three more joking, intentionally faux-serious title add-ons that are all amusing and self-aware, but I’m guessing a sliiiight majority of people just call Anchorman “Anchorman.” Like, at least 50.3%.

25. Dumb And Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

26. The King Of Kong: A Fistful Of Quarters

“Dumb & Dumberer” and “The King Of Kong” are both PERFECT movie titles (even if the former was something less than a perfect actual movie) — why the urge to add additional, unrelated, irreverent parody titles of other movies? “Donky Kong kill screen coming up” guy would’ve gladly pointed out this flaw if you’d asked him.

27-30. Basically Any Friday The 13th or Nightmare On Elm Street Movie

You can just refer to the individual movies as Dream Warriors or The New Blood, and everyone’ll know exactly what you’re talking about. Also, there’ve been three Jason movies since Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday and eight since Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter; that’s illogical enough for us to just count this series as four entrys to get to a nice round 30. Done.

NOT INCLUDED:

- Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb — This is a long title, but also a classic title that everyone remembers and that most film people can probably recite from memory.

- Don’t Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood — not the same “classic” status as Dr. Strangelove (controversial statement!), but fans of this movie (which I was when it first came out) definitely know the title.

- The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill And Came Down A Mountain — This movie, ironically, is probably only remembered because of its long title, making it a go-to for charades trip-ups and jokes about stupid long titles.

Other movie titles no one’s ever actually said (hint: there’s a bunch!)? Leave lengthy, cumbersome descriptions of them in the comments!