Neville Longbottom: WILF (Wizard I’d Like To.. )

Neville Longbottom. The name brings to mind a few things… Aaron Neville’s mole, for example, or old women at the beach. But in the case of the Harry Potter franchise, Neville Longbottom is something entirely different. He’s a young, chubby, introverted boy with pure wizard blood, who started his life off as a nobody, a nothing, a horrible wizard and then grew into something entirely different: A hot guys who is amazing at wizardry. And major kudos to the casting team of the Harry Potter franchise, who somehow knew when they chose their chubby little Neville that within about 10 years he would grow up to be a new generation’s Clive Owen.

His name is Matthew Lewis. Or Matt, if you’re in a rush. He is left-handed and like Leeds United, two facts you should remember if you ever meet him. (“Can I have your autograph? Careful not to smudge it, left-hander… yes, if you could make it out to Leeds United… Hmm? What am I doing tonight? *winks to camera*” – Dialogue in my new made-for-TV-movie How To Get Asked Out By Matthew Lewis.)
Because let’s face it: His transformation from young chubbster to handsome oldster has turned him into a bona fide WILF, or Wizard I’d Like To F*ck. It is so dramatic, in fact, we’ve decided to take a closer look at how, exactly, this happened.

This is the story of how Neville Longbottom got really f**king hot:

Here’s our little Neville in the first Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Short, chubby, easily terrified. He was the second coming of Peter on The Cosby Show

Here Neville appears, slightly older, alongside Scut Farkus from A Christmas Story. This is also not unlike what my own 6th grade school photo looked like

Here is Neville/Matt now slightly older and slimmer with still some of the worst teeth we’ve ever laid eyes on. If only his pet toad Trevor could Yelp some good orthodontists…

Here he is at a premiere a few years back

And another promotional shot for the film, where he finds a comfortable balance somewhere between Stephen Fry and Hitler

Ah, yes, he is aging… and really, when his mouth is closed, he’s not that bad. (What? Don’t be like that)

Ah, here is the beginning of his Extreme Makeover: Harry Potter edition

Putting the “Longbottom” in “Neville Longbottom”

Not a boy, Not yet a man

He’s still stretching himself out at this point, but I also am a whore for a man in a skinny black tie. Also does he have a tattoo of the Roman Numeral for “11″? That is, like, my favorite number

Oh sh******************t. He’s like Clive Owen in Children To Man, that movie Clive Owen was in where a chubby kid becomes a hot man

Aww, he even looks cute in his masturbation den!

Kudos to the genius fan who doused him in water to make this photo xxx-tra sexxxy

YOU GUYS…

WHAT. 
Here is Matt Lewis aka Neville Longbottom at the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 premiere in London. I mean… whatttt? He grew a couple of inches, lost a couple of pounds, put a flipper on and bought a pocketwatch. At 22, his life story has gone from “kid who eats all the cupcakes at the birthday party” to “I should probably go to pilates today to look my best on the off-chance that in my lifetime I might walk past this man.”



The lesson here? That if you’re the star of a multi-billion dollar movie franchise, you should probably end on a high, incredibly sizzling hot note. Keep that in mind the next time you find yourself in this situation, while I doodle “Mrs. Matt Lewis” all over my Leeds United notebook.  

P.S. He also does an amazing American accent!

It’s A White Kid In A Blackface

Ok, so I guess there’s this show in Europe called My Name Is, where people perform songs in character? It is a very simple idea, but it gets really complicated somewhere along the line because, although there are the usual suspects (Lady Gaga, Madonna, Beyonce), there are also performances by regular human beings dressed up as Little Orphan Annie, Shirley Bassey, and …wait for it… Aaron Neville.


By far the weirdest human being ever (evidence: unapologetic facial moles, cheek tattoo, lady’s voice and a man’s face), Aaron Neville is a very strange impression to pull off, although some have done it very well (see: me, Halloween 2006). But some white dude across got his sh*t down, from the cutoff denim vest to the bristly jhere curl to the signature, echoing dolphin screams dulcet tones that only Aaron Neville can emit from his thick, golden throat.

Make no mistake about it: these videos will break the internet.