The Full 50 Shades of Grey Trailer Is Finally Here

Forget Mr. Grey finally seeing you—you're finally getting to see him. A few days after Beyonce 'grammed the tease watched round the world, the full trailer dropped last Thursday. Yeah, if you ever wondered whether Jamie Dornan was the right choice for the role, those doubts are about to melt away. Emphasis on melt. Enjoy.

Fifty Shames Of Earl Grey

So, you’ve feverishly read through most of E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy — that third one takes some work, right — the movie is eons away, and now you’re getting kind of tired of seeing everyone, their mother and their brother-in-law reading the books on the train, the plane and everywhere in between. What’s next? Fifty Shames of Earl Grey by the pseudonymous Fanny Merkin (a.k.a. book blogger Andrew Shaffer) is kind of the perfect beach read for the end of summer and the end of your obsession. 

If you have cleared fantasies of Christian and Ana and the Red Room of Pain from your mind, you might be starting to see the absurdities of the books’ plot and characters — how does no one call the authorities on Christian’s stalkerish behavior? How would a publishing company hire a girl fresh out of college to be an editor, regardless of who owns the place? The list goes on. Earl Grey just takes those absurdities a little further with the story of Anna Steal and Earl Grey. 

The skeleton of the plot is the same, but the details are hilariously exaggerated. Anna’s roommate, “a total B,” is Kathleen Kraven, an alcoholic 38-year-old writer for Boardroom Hotties. Their friend Jin is a Brony, Before her interview of Earl, she has actually never ridden in an elevator because “we don’t have elevators in Portland.” Anna works at Walmart. Earl Grey buys Walmart in his efforts to impress/control her. Oh, and he’s not into your average BDSM — his version stands for “Bards, Dragons, Sorcery and Magick,” as in very sexy LARP-ing.

Of course, there are also sex scenes, which are even funnier than the rest, thanks to Earl’s Room of Doom, which Anna dubs the Dorm Room of Doom due to its black-light posters, incense and waterbed, and Anna’s smelly feet. But Anna certainly enjoys her experience in there: “The only other time I’ve felt this good is when I shot smack with Kathleen,” she thinks to herself. And oh, her thoughts to herself — thankfully unaided by any goddesses or glasses-wearing librarians — they’re full of silly observations that totally make the book.

“Most times,” she confesses to Earl, “my mind is just an ongoing, present-tense, first-person monologue. It’s like I’m writing a novel, constantly, but only in my brain. A really bad novel.”

But don’t worry, Fifty fans, none of this humor is mean-spirited. It’s more loving homage, meant purely for those who have already read the original and need to make fun of themselves for getting so wrapped up in it.

The Writer Of 50 Shades Of Grey Is Making $1.34 Million A Week

Twilight fanfic writer turned New York Times best-selling author E.L. James is orgasming with her entire body weekly and it's not from reading her own book, that's for fucking sure. It's from reading her bank statement. As each week goes by, E.L. becomes a million dollars richer and she owes it all such beautiful poetry like this:

“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. “No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.” My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so… hot. But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified. “You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. He laughs, loudly. “No, Anastasia, no Xbox, no Playstation. Come."

And:

“Christian, you had me at the meadow.”

Celebrity Net Worth (via EW) says that thanks to those exquisite words and millions of horny housewives not knowing about something called free online porn have helped E.L. sell over 20 million copies worldwide. E.L. takes 7% of every $14 paperback sold and another 25% of every $10 ebook downloaded. So they crunched those numbers together and figured out that this September she'll get a $20 million check from her publisher.

Seriously, I should get beat for spending my money on that shit. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to open up my dusty Microsoft Word and write a trilogy about a society of spark vamps who have to beat the safe word out of each other in their capitol's annual Bondage Games.