Behold: The Fappinator 2000

The Fappinator 2000 is so damn popular at one hospital in China that it takes 20 to 30 peens a day. I know where John Travolta's spending Halloween (SPOILER ALERT: China) and I know what he's going to dress up as (SPOILER ALERT: this machine).

They should really make a portable, battery-powered version that you can take everywhere. It's the perfect automated Fleshlight for lazies. Use it in the car, at your desk and everywhere else. But before you press the start button, pray that the machine doesn't malfunction so hard that it pulls your dick off and suddenly becomes a sex change machine called the Bobbitt Bot.
And I'm sure a secret recording will leak of Paris Hilton saying that this machine is the horniest machine in the world, is disgusting and probably has machine AIDS.